Always in Our Hearts... 8:17 PM Share

Today marks one month since the passing of Baby Kamil.

Time has yet to heal the pain of losing someone I've waited so long to meet, to hold, to watch grow and to love. Time, it seems, will never be able to.

How do you get over it? Is it a possible feat to try and forget something like this?

Five months ago, my husband and I were overjoyed at the news of my pregnancy. Something I've thought of one day being since I was even just a young girl. For the last five months, there was not a day that I wasn't grateful for the miracle that was growing inside me. For the last five months, I counted the days, the weeks, the months to when I could finally meet this little miracle.

Now, I count the days, the weeks, the months since the last time I held my little miracle.

Getting on with everyday life hasn't helped much. It seems, everything I do reminds me of when I was still with child. I still sleep on my side, like I did when I was still pregnant; I still walk carefully, like I did when I was still pregnant; I wear my maternity dresses that I got made just recently; I still feel like I need to buy baby things when I go shopping. The saddest thing that still haunts me is that I keep telling myself, as I look down on my tummy, even today, is that I should still be pregnant now.

But I'm not.

How do you get over it?

I remember, feeling excited about going shopping to buy maternity wear and even more excited about buying baby things - cots, bottles, clothes, tiny mittens and socks. I remember, how sometimes, I would get lost amongst the racks of baby clothes, the rows of baby cots or the shelves of baby bottles, just to psyched myself of what was to come.

But now, the sight of these things makes me turn the other way and tears would roll down my cheeks. Now, I don't know how to shop for clothes without looking for maternity clothes.

Now, I can't look at the car my husband recently bought and not think to myself, "This was supposed to be for him..."

Can you ever get over this?

It's difficult not to ask myself why did this happen to me, to us, to our little baby. And when I see my friends being pregnant, when I see my friends post pictures of their newborns, it becomes even more difficult to ignore the need for an answer to my question. And instead of joy and happiness for them, all I feel in my being are feelings of jealousy, envy and sadness. The worst part is, I somehow have succumbed to the feelings of hatred, maybe, at the fact that they are happy because they're still pregnant, and the reality that I'm not anymore.

Will I ever get over this?

People have always said things happen for a reason and that Allah meant for us something better later. This, and my husband, keep me hopeful, keep me strong in my times of weakness and sadness. I know Baby Kamil would have wanted me to be strong.

Despite my pain, I am grateful for the little miracles in life, for the wonderful 5 months my baby gave me and for the moment and memory, though little, I have with my baby. 

*Baby Muhammad Kamil bin Haji Hazimin was expected to be born on 17th February 2013, but he arrived 4 months earlier, on 17th October 2012. He took his first breath at 6.50pm, weighing only 520 grammes and 29cm long. He had his father's looks. I sang the "I Love You" Barney song to him and touched his arms to let him know that his mommy and daddy were so very happy to see him. At 8.48pm, Baby Kamil took his last breath and we kissed him goodbye and told him we will love him always.*

He was our beautiful little baby boy.

Baby Kamil at around 4 weeks.

Finally, a soiree! 12:34 AM Share

It has been over 5 months when my then-fiance and I got married in November 2011. My husband and I left it late to have a post-wedding appreciation dinner, what with all the hoo-ra and hey-ho of work and, well, just life.

But we finally found a date we could set our dinner and it's coming up pretty soon! (please tell me you sense my excitement)

And as usual, being the person that I am, who loves personalising and perhaps wastes too much time making something that people are only going to look at once and stash it away, I just had to custom-made an invitation card.

This time around (as oppose to the months of designing the wedding invitation card), I knew how I wanted the card to be - something simple and maybe, a little retro/vintage look to it. It didn't take me long to whip something up on Photoshop. In fact, it was done in a day.

Bless my nature of hoarding, I had a stack of white stock cards lying around.  Here's what it looks like:

I'm pretty excited about having The KimoRa coming in to play live music, but I'm especially excited about the wedding videos by artisonfoto.biz. I haven't seen them since November, so you must imagine the excitement of the wait and all.

To make it a little bit more personal, I had 4 photos chosen from our pre-wed photoshoot and our honeymoon in Paris/Rome as backdrops for the actual invite. I really do love how it all turned out.

So yes, it'll be on May 12th. Save the date, lovelies!

I love the idea that the invitation set could serve as a souvenir as well, one that can be framed or placed in a photo album, which I'm hoping they'll do when they receive it. =D

Do wait until after the 12th of May to see the rest of the soiree!

Much love,

Az'era L.

Two is better than one? 3:12 PM Share

Should I stay in silence because I can't live without you...

or

Should I speak because I love you?

Counting Sleep 7:17 PM Share

I know of bridezillas. I know the pressures of getting married. I know most of the time, it will be a one-man (or woman) effort. I know of people saying that it will all be worth it in the end.

What they don't know is how I feel and what I have to put up with, just to get married.

One piece of advice, if you're getting married, make sure he's really the one. That despite all the bickering and picking faults, through all the disagreement and debate, that at the end of it you should still be feeling madly in love, the kind that climbs over the highest mountain and crosses the deepest ocean.

For some reason, for me it's like the highest mountain of obstacles and deep-trench oceans infested with sharks, that end up leaving me feeling just frustrated, disappointed and down-right un-bride-ful and un-excited about the whole wedding.

There's a reason why I didn't hire a wedding planner to arrange the whole deal. I just want to have a wedding that I've always wanted. It's not like its a over-the-top, grand wedding. I know what I can and cannot afford. Plus, it's my money.

So if I want to buy an expensive cocktail/goblet glass (again), then I will.

I cannot understand how men can always take (wedding) planning/preparation so lightly. They would laugh to scorn when we panic at a tiny mishap of a detail in a wedding preparation. They'd mock our choices in decor, colors, fabrics, gifts, our thoughts and opinions, and all the being that is us.

And they claim to want to vow, "..till death do us part.."

...or something like that. Pardon me, I'm not seeing the romance in wedding as of right now.

And what is with the obsession of taking the short-cut or the convenient way? If I really wanted a hassle-free wedding without the formalities and all, I wouldn't bother myself with dresses and pre-wed photos, gifts and reception a long time ago. Let's just write our vows on a post-it note and call ourselves "legally married".

It's a one-time event that I want to be done as how I want it. Not as how you think that would be convenient for YOU. If I wanted only guests of only 300, then I meant 300, not 400. If I said I wanted to pick my own wedding ring, a ring that I'm to wear for the rest of my life, then make sure I'd be able to make that choice.

I know that I haven't been "asking for help" from anyone, that I've been mostly preparing by myself. And, really, I'm okay with that. I don't like "outsourcing" important matters like my own wedding. I just wish others would stop thinking or assuming I'm wasting my time not preparing for the wedding, just because they're not helping me with anything.

I'm handling it. And it's going fine. I promise to scream like a banshee when it's not.

Like any bride, I want my wedding day to be the best day. But if you keep at your attitude to me as they are, then please don't take photos of me on my wedding day because it'll show on my face of my weeping heart.

Sensing a "Thunderbolt"-Upgrade Need 10:18 AM Share

Despite fulfilling wishlist no. 1, Apple tech has done it again for me, whipping out an even greater temptation.

27-inch iMac Thunderbolt

The newest hoop-la wonder from the ever-growing range of iMac, equipped with Thunderbolt ports and FaceTime HD feature, and an even sickening 3x faster graphic performance.

I sense a need for an iMac-upgrade in the near future....till they seduce me with a newer form of temptation.

Mini-buns cheeks - Not THAT kind! 6:00 AM Share

This blog is literally on the verge of becoming another net waste, joining several million others who have failed to periodically update.

And I'm not denying it. My excuses may sound like the cliche-d justifications but really I have been really busy with real life. I did say I'm a full-time me, meaning I live in the real world in real time with real job and things. There is only so many a moment when I get to delve into surreality of the blogosphere and write/blog as my mind/heart would serve it.

With that said, I will try to get something in here every now and then, especially now that I'm in the process of planning a wedding - GASP!

I'm still looking for something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue...

Oh and did I tell you already that I've been trying to go on a diet so I can fit into them size S gowns...?

From the looks of them cheeks, I'd say a D minus for effort!

i-Love 11:53 PM Share

Wishlist No. 1 - check!

Utmost =D

RSA Animate – Changing Education Paradigms 1:00 PM Share

I first watched a video of Ken Robinson animatedly talking about how education system diminishes creativity in school children and I immediately became a "follower" of his philosophy. The RSA video link below is another of his inspiring and eye-opening treatment to our consciousness, challenging us to "challenge" the normed paradigms of today's education system.

Watch for a lil' dose of Ken!

It's a Familiar Foreign... 11:59 PM Share

So maybe I had it coming.

I'd signed out early. But could you really have blamed me for it?

Because of a chicken or a blade, you had to scream at me, accuse me and treat me as nothing more than a person in your midst.

Lately, it has been silent. I blend well with silence, I do. But could you have ever imagined the thunderous chaos that have been tumultuously but placidly settling, deep right down in the pits of my stomach?

It's a familiar foreign, but nothing as much as now.

I do rejoice in the fact that soon you'll be in your new life. I take a back seat in the moments of your bonds with the people you have "chosen" to keep, and take with you on your journey. The ribbons, the flowers, the dresses, the trivial squabbles over what shades of reds and greys will flourish your day - I watch and I listen but I'm not with it.

Maybe I'd signed out early - but did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I would like to tell you that ruby red is the best?

Home is all decked out - couches moved to make way for an arch of new life, pictures of the family framed and placed ever so affectionately to show the world. But they're not so much of my presence, flowers and frames not so much of my touches.

I'd signed out early - and my home is only a house.

Maybe you didn't know. So I can't blamed you that I'm not there to get our nails buffed and hair tousled together, or bundle flowers and carry tissue in my mini-purse. I just cannot blamed you for feeling serenely pleasant to have them but not me in everything. Maybe because you decided you were going to sign out of my life anyways.

Maybe I had it coming.

Wotever! 9:54 PM Share

Something I picked up while power-shopping/spending at The Mall with The Boyfriend...

I have my reasons... 10:00 PM Share

I know I haven't been writing here. I have my reasons.

To add to that, I'm deactivating my social networking, too. I have my reasons.

I will come back, someday. Maybe even sooner than expected. But till then, it's a shutdown for now.

I have my reasons.

11/1/11 @ 1:11 1:11 AM Share

I'm seeing a lot of 1s today,right now...

From Writing to Screenplay - Not What I Want Of You 10:21 AM Share

If you've been following my post from Day One, you'll remember the short story I wrote a while back and posted it on the blog.

I never had imagined that anyone would read it and appreciate the story in the way some of my readers have. Having it affect the readers, that is enough to tell myself that I've written from the heart.

Few months back, Farid, a drama & film producer/director and a personal friend, came to me to ask if he and another friend could adapt the story into a screenplay. Imagine my delight - of course I said yes!

I don't really know the details of the filming, but I do know it'll take place in Sarawak some time in November, if things go as planned. Don't know the details of casting, so we'll just have to wait and see.

As for credits, I didn't ask for royalties and all that mumbo-jumbo. A mention in the making of would be suffice. Then again, I wouldn't mind a something-something if it comes to. =D

As with, I would love to write another story, but for a story to be written from the heart, it doesn't come often as much as I would like it to. Should the moment comes, you'll be the first to know.

Save and You Shall Have! 9:53 AM Share

When you save money, you will get what you want.

So I recently made quite a pricey purchase for an everyday necessity. It wasn't on a wimp. I actually did save up to get it. And let's just say it was totally worth the wait (and saving).

Just shy of 1K, a Samsung Galaxy S I9000 became mine.

Dubbed Lexie (as in short for Galaxy), it made me feel pretty much up-to-date with the whole touch-screen technology that's been whirling in the mobile industry. This is a big thing for me since I've never been much of tech-savvy, must-have-latest-technology type of person.

No, it isn't an iPhone 4, which I initially thought of buying. But it is as much like the iPhone 4 - just under a different name and make. So far, it hasn't disappoint me. What it lacks, I'm not really bothered. You can't be too choosy with these things.

The iPhone 4 can wait. And I'm guessing it wouldn't be a long wait since it'll probably come in a basket decorated with flowers and ribbons, delivered to my home as a gift on one very special day for me...=D

For now, Lexie's my baby!

My Diana needs this! 2:40 AM Share

For immediate purchase!

ETP*: Next week by latest.

*Estimated Time Purchase

Diana Instant Back is on its way from HK, as we speak (write/read)!

It's Lomo, baby! 3:26 AM Share

I love how my Lomo always gets people talking. I love it even more when I see the puzzled look on people's faces when I pull a lever to take a photo and rotate a winder after that..

Lomo's not for everyone. If you're so used with being in control of all the settings such as ones on a dSLR, then a lomo will only offer you so little. Which is why I love it so much - I'm not one for dealing with too many knobs and levers, it boggles my mind.

As for picture-taking, expect "happy little accidents" with a lomo.

No, you won't find a screen to look at a picture after you've released the shutter. You can't delete a picture if you find that it's too blurry or too washed-out. The great thing about shooting with a lomo is that you develop a sense of appreciation about the art of taking photos because you haven't the slightest idea how a picture will come out until you've taken them to the film lab. No photo becomes an option - an option to delete or digitally edit. They are as they come.

With that said, photography with a lomo is also about freedom in the art of. Why peek into the viewfinder when you can shoot from the hips with a lomo?

In a world where focused image and optimum lighting take a back stand, this little plastic camera allows one to be free of rules and conventions, to take only of happy memories and not worry about ISO and focal points and what-nots.

Ever since I've got my hands on a Diana F+, people's responses towards it have been amazing - when they see it, they want to ask about it and talk about photography. It makes them want to talk about what taking pictures meant like in the old days when no one's worried about what lens range or flash packs they've got.

The best thing about having a Diana F+, personally, I don't have to pretend that I'm a professional - or even an amateur for that matter.

I merely like taking pictures of moments in life. I'm not worried about working my way up to the experts.

So far, there aren't many shutter-happy "lomo-graphers" in Brunei, as yet. But I'm hopeful the vintage, retro-style toy camera will make its way into the local craze someday.

Who knows? The glory days of 35mm films will make a comeback and Konica'd be able to pick up sales once more. =D

So..when you do feel like going vintage once in a while, grab a lomo and start shooting. You can read here for tips, or as they called it, the 10 Golden Rules, then break the rules or however you want to. Don't think and just shoot!

Happy lomo-ing!

Apologize without Sincerity 9:56 AM Share

Had to send a kid to the discipline room today. All because he was unwilling to write today's day and date on the board.

It wouldn't have mattered so much if he did not stomp the chair on the ground so hard, or slam the board duster so hard that the board rattled on impact, or send me the disgusted, hard expression my way.

But it had to do it all. It was definitely the last straw.

Instead of apologizing sincerely after being "interrogated" by the discipline teacher, he had to go say he did what he did because he wasn't in a mood, and when asked why he showed his anger, he had to say, "I have very little respect for teachers."

Nevermind the school oath they recite everyday about always respecting the teacher.

Even with his apologies, they were insincere. So I asked why can't he be sincere.

"Cher, nda nemu kati ka ikhlas." (Cher, I don't know how to be sincere.)

I had only one thing to say to him after all that -

"Don't want to learn anything or respect your teachers, don't come to school and waste my frigging time and effort."

Solitary Keeps Me Sane 6:43 PM Share

It has been a rough couple of weeks...maybe even a couple of decades...

Just let me be alone, okay...

Nico went Missing 3:57 PM Share

I recently bought a new camera...but I also recently lost my Nico.

 

Damn you thief!

It's Black or It's White 12:51 PM Share

Tricky.

Tricky being a teacher in a school. No, no, it's not about the amount of marking or teaching periods, neither is it about the administration work that gets pounded on you every day.

Many a teacher, I am sure feels the same way. Maybe except for those teachers who can do no wrong and believes rules and regulations are king (eventhough it actually should be).

I have a relationship - a love-hate relationship , to be specific with none other than DISCIPLINE.

"Every teacher is a discipline teacher," we were told by our principal. I nodded. Surely it meant I agree.

But four months into the life of a teacher, I have kids who wore colored socks and shoes, had bangles and rings, and asked for permissions to go out of class to have a drink during class every 5 minutes.

Mind you, I let these kids do these things. But does that mean I'm a bad teacher? It doesn't, in my book.

I mean, as long as they do the work I set for them, as long as they listen to me while I'm teaching, as long as they don't treat me as if I'm their friend but as their teacher, and as long as they come to school every day to learn at least something, I'm fine with that.

I'm sure wearing colored socks to school won't make my kids suddenly don't know how to learn, as it is with wearing rings from boyfriends/girlfriends would mean that they stare and daydream about their loved ones all the time (they won't be able to in my class, anyways). I may get frustrated with them sometimes, but I still believe these kids are generally good people.

However, there are the odd days when I see students with their shirts tucked-out, or when they popped by the canteen during class periods and moreover when I see a cigarette butt between their fingers and puffing in and out like they're fresh air, I get irked and I put on my stern face and stop by to "say hello".

When they get the "message", then it's fine - I'm glad they've still got brains capable enough to comply. But when my nudges fall on deaf ears, oh so help me God!

You might argue students smoking and students wearing colored socks is a case of relative judgment.

But the whole idea of maintaining discipline is to carry it out when needs be and be consistent. If you're going to punish a kid who was caught smoking, surely you'll need to punish a kid who's caught wearing colored socks.

Rules are rules. It's either black or it's white - as the late MJ sang. There are no greys.

So the conflict is this - there are days when discipline is king and there are days when discipline is trivial. Am I still a bad teacher?

All I'm saying, I like inconsistencies or compromises because it leaves us teachers with a little "freedom" to sometimes "break a rule or two". It isn't uncommon to see teachers with a little color in their hair, neither is it uncommon to see teachers arriving too late and leaving too early, nor is it uncommon to see (female) teachers wearing skirts that are shorter than short.

At the end of the day, when I wrap up my lesson, collect the exercise books, say my goodbyes to the kids, leave my blue and red pens on my desk, and get into my car to go home, a pair of colored socks or a packet of cigarettes "stays" in school, all ready to be disputed over the next day, all over again.